yo dj turn that song up yo yo yo

i deleted the music from my page because its all old and tired and nobody reads this anyway.

my doctor put me on anti-anxiety medication so i kind of sleep now. and by kind of, i mean i fell asleep once since ive been on it and was really proud of myself.

im too busy with work and i hate my job now because everyone who makes my job cool and easy is quitting and it sucks.

my brother passed all of his regents and im proud of him. his birthday is on thursday(=

i dont talk to a lot of my friends anymore. partially because im busy with work and partially because ive just been hating people in general. either way, i feel a lot more centered on these new meds so i guess on a whole im doing better.. but im still kind of miserable.

i cant figure out why and im tired of trying.

i choose you pikachuuu

another night of no sleep and

every time you disappeared you made me cry. but its sad because no matter everything i feel all at once... when this world ends, i still only picture it ending with you.

i understand you, (its not difficult) but i cant help you because i have nothing to do with any of what you feel inside. that goes deeper than love.


i loved you and i just cant love you anymore. because im tired, im soooo tired of everything you are and everything we could have been. and i wasted so much time helping you get nowhere with yourself

there, i said it.. shoot me.

he also does a lot of drugs(=

im too busy with my new assistant manager position that pays $12 an hour to write on this blog every week. ya, be jealous.

i am casually dating this hippie who has a lot of tattoos. he also does a lot of drugs, which makes him badass enough for me to like, and im pretty sure my parents would flip if they actually found out but idc because im not that into him anyway he just fits credentials.

i want a fuckingggggggg tattooooooo. my dad told me he would kick me out the house if i got one so im waiting until i have enough money to move out in order to get one.

today i found a picture of my mom when she was my age. she made a comment about how she was much thinner than me at that age. it annoyed me kind of. i guess enough to write about it on my blog.

i cant remember my goal for keeping this blog, my interest in the internet gets more microscopic everyday. im surprised i remember how to type. all i do is complain anyway i dont see how anyone could stand it. whatever i never get comments anyway

first post in a while

i havent written in a while. i didnt lose my scholorship (yayz).

i still have staph infection and now i also have the flu in my throat. my doctor told me i get sick too much. i told him duh and then he wrote the prescription and we didnt talk much after that. it was a little uncalled for but why would you say that? shit its not like i dont realize im sick all the time.. probably because i dont sleep.

in the meantime i find myself actually growing feelings for another person besides myself and my hamster. its been a while since i felt like funny feelings. i think thats a big step towards my mothers definition of "normality". he doesnt have a name because he lives on the moon and has big muscles.

i also bought a bowl that lights itself. ya, you got that right. its so fucking cool. it doesnt even look like a bowl it looks like a little camera. it was $65 dollors but its totally worth it because the girl who sold it to me did the right thing she threw in the extra butane and told me if it breaks to bring it back to the store & they'll replace it for me. she had the sickest dreadlocks ive ever seen. i dont think this is illegal but i dont really care either way because there isnt anything to care for anymore when i have a headache this bad.

i want to cry but am too cold hearted to do so... but i try really hard but no tears come out. oh well, till next time.

today is also my friend bradleys birthday and on friday all my guy friends are making me go to a strip club to celebrate.. which is strange because im not a lesbian so idk why i would enjoy that. i might not go.

oh yea, let me do what my last post directed me to...
fuck shizniit burn lieff cawckssszzz skin heeeed blah blah blah more to cum.

OKAY

so i have the feeling im going to fail all my finals and loose my scholorship... mainly because im irresponsible and i suck at life. pray with me that this doesnt occur.

in other news i went on that blind date and i actually do feel a little guilty for that earlier post. hes a great guy... but im still not into him.

oh and i still have staph infection so stay away from me. LIKEOMGZNOWAY what if my staph was contagious through your computer. haha that would suck for you.

or is it contagious on my keyboard since i'm typing on it? duhh noo but i'm still probably gonna make a huge douche bag who i hate or has hit on me relentlessly use my computer tomorrow just in case=)

wow i'm a horrible person. im going to bed. i hope i dont fail my final.

my next post will be a bunch of curse words because now that i am not typing for class i can utilize this blog to voice horrible messages through the interweb

my last post for this class but not like, in life you know?

waterworld ended and now i'm watching a black lady on tv get a weave sewn on her head. i wonder what they actually sew it on to? is it her scalp? doesn't that hurt?

im sorry waterworld took 100 bagillion dollars to make and bombed at the box office when it came out because i loved it. even though it takes place in the future, when the whole world is covered in water. but something REALLYYYY bothered me about the movie...

basically the idea is that no one can find dry land. the entire movie is a big search for dry land. but if there is no dry land and all the tools they use and stuff are old because manufacturing ceases without natural resources... how the HELL were all those pirates smoking cigarettes? i mean... really. the director couldn't use common sense?

I'm actually upset that classes are ending because that means i have to spend more time in long island and i don't want to do that. i just started really getting comfortable with my life in Brooklyn and i don't want to lose that. i feel like if i go to my moms house it will all slip away.

all my friends who i grew up with here all come home from college too. and i don't want to miss that. i feel like everyone is growing apart and these friends are family, therefore this is all a bit intolerable on my part.

these boys saved my life.

oh btw i relapsed from my skin infection i told u about a few weeks ago and now i have an extreme case of staph infection and more strep throat blah. my life sucks...

- i hope i don't loose my scholarship.
- i hope i get a good grade on these blogs because i love them soo.
- i hope i'm brave enough to continue this blog like i promised myself (I'm positive i will)
- i hope i get rich or die trying.

haha that last bullet point is actually a movie title. bye Farley i hope you comment!!!

he's not badass enough

eh my life sucks. school is ending, and i am having serious, unhealthy, insane separation anxiety about switching my advisor next semester. seriously, i got really used to having my advisor and hes really helpful and think about it...

the freshman center has three advisors who take care of the the one entire freshman class. the sophomores, juniors, seniors, and grad students have two advisors who take care of everyone else combined. you tell me what the better end of this deal is? I'm not weird. this isnt weird im scared.

not to mention one of my friends decided to set me up on a blind date for tomorrow night without telling me. i don't want to be set up on any dates i don't need dates. i go to the gym on wednesday nights i would rather be there.

besides, i saw his facebook hes not my type hes not bad ass enough and hes bald... on purpose. yea, hes purposely bald i dont get it? like, your 23 don't you want hair until you cant have it anymore?

i'm picking him apart but like.. i don't know him yet. if hes really nice ill be really guilty i wrote this. (but probably not still into him)

ps. watch the movie waterworld. im watching it right now as i publicly microanalyze my love life and this movie rocks all the socks in the universe. thanks ill miss you bye.

i think im freaking out

Today is the last day of the semester and my Business Law Professor decided to cancel class. On top of it our final is in two days.

I'm freaking out because I've had a hard time with this class all semester and when i tried to go to his extra help he was never in his office. He's the most unprofessional educator i have ever come across and i just hope i can pull a B- at minimum on this test so i can keep my scholarship.

he's basically the only problem I've had. All of my other professors have been really understanding. given i have been out a lot from class this semester for personal reasons. but not law he stinks man =p

he also cut me off while i was on my way to school one day. i mean, what makes you so important? everyone driving up that hill was going to HIS CLASS and he cut us all off.

Anyway, for the past two semesters at St. John's I've been worried about losing my scholarship. Its probably because i know I'm not working to my potential i do the minimum amount of work necessary. This is not a habit i want to continue.

for next semester I'm thinking about quitting my job and focusing on school. I never had this kind of work ethic before and I've come to the conclusion that work is an unnecessary stress that takes up mostly 50% of my time. (it makes me run back and fourth to long island 4 days a week. how could someone do that and school? its tough you know?)

right now I'm just rushing to finish up some missing papers and other small projects.

hope with me that i keep this scholarship and don't piss my parents off anymore than they already are. not to mention, hope with me that i don't lose my scholarship so i can still consider myself more intelligent that 90% of this freshman class.

eww kisses

im a horrible person. i hate every guy ive ever dated. the last guy i dated ruined my professional life and the guy before that i dont talk about.

worst of all i dont hate these people at all i hate all the nice guys coming around now.

i hate nice guys they bore me. i figure someone just as weird as me can balance me out and we can all hate our lives together.

i should have went to art school like i wanted to.

tonight i went on a really cliche date. me and this really genuinely nice, healthy guy saw made of honor. i hated it it was so.. girly and stupid and unreal. people dont just fall in love like that with their best friends.

all my best friends are guys and im not in love with any of them i just love them but like family.

btw. i know for a fact that there is a difference between love and in-love. in-love is that excited, lusty, cant get enough of you feeling that makes everyone else n the room wanna throw up old milk and gross stuff all over you.

love is just being able to be around someone, not even having to say anything. you could just be sitting with the person, silent, doing completely different things, but you still feel whole.

idk thats just what i think. i like the idea of just loving someone as oppose to being in-love. ive loved before and it just feels more real. in-love feelings fade, but love feelings become like a part of you ya know? sometimes they could even define who you are. because who you love is what your ultimate joy is. and the polor opposite of that person would be who you hate.

but i dont love or am not in-love right now.

this blog sucks im going to bed.

swiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim

I'm bored and can't sleep again. I already cleaned my entire room and woke my best friend up twice because I called her not realizing what time it is. Here are some fish i manipulated on the internet because I'm bored & can't sleep. they follow your mouse around and when you click you can watch them fight for the food you drop...



OMGGGGGGGGGG FIIIISH EVERYYWHEREEEE BLAHHH!!!! I must admit, i am quite hipnotized by the way they swim around and bump into eachother. too bad they arent real because it would be funny to see real fish with that lack of coordination.

The fact that my fictitious little fish want the "food" so badly, makes me not want to click my mouse. Does that make me a bad person? If you answer yes that's fine because i already knew that. But just for the record, i always feed my hamster in real life...

Now that i realize the time I'm going to stay up for robot chicken (which is the best 10 minute show on adult swim EVERRRRR). Whomever thinks of the situations acted on that show have to be possibly the most evil, hilarious people on this earth. You should watch it because it rules life. its on cartoon network/adult swim at 12am and 3am. You should also watch TIM AND ERIC AWESOME SHOW GREAT JOB! while your at it too.

OMG this title has nothing to do with my post

my skin infection is going away and that sucks because i wanted the doctors to show me it off my body. i realized it yesterday so instead of going shopping with my friend Robyn i decided that i was feeling too like, blah to do anything and we stayed in and watched breakfast at tiffany's.

then we went to roll n roaster with my other girl friends who drove all the way from long island because they love me. but i didn't eat anything because my antibiotic makes me hate life and food but like sleep =)

then today i decided to block my friend on the internet because I'm tired of looking at his name up there. the kid is on like 24/7 and i just get sick of looking at it so today i blocked it. i don't get why people must be on the interweb so much. i mean, i get if your like, job is the interweb but not if you just leave your AIM buddy list on and walk away for a few hours just to see who ims you. pfffft please.

now tonight my mom is making me go to the gym and i don't want to because i smoke and i don't want to faint. but i should because i haven't worked out since i stopped cheerleading, which was probably the best breakup of my entire life (me and cheerleading).

now i'm going to do homework and possibly play a game or two (or 10) of solitaire. I still cant eat normal until after Sunday, which is Greek Easter, which is going to annoy me.

I THOUGHT this was college?

I thought i was in college but i guess I'm not. As i was smoking a cigarette after class i heard a group of small, insignificant, high pitch voices using my name along with a few other unmentionable words behind a wall near where i was standing.

They called me everything i am NOT including "weird". I had no idea who these girls could have been because i don't really talk to girls (for reasons such as this). Not that all this bothered me too much, actually after about two minutes or so i popped out from behind the wall and gave them a really big smile. (That shut them up fast), but it got me wondering...

What really constitutes weird? is that i don't fit in with your life long dream of participating in Staten island Greek life? or that i don't speak with a city accent? maybe its because i don't dress in gaudy, inappropriate ways? or die my hair out of a bottle?

I found it funny because if they came to long island, the majority of people there would find THEM generally unattractive. They would be the ones who "didn't take care of" themselves... the judged ones. I wonder how that would make them feel?

and you know, i got the idea that they understand I'm not from here because they were trying to recall where i am from. They obviously have been on Staten Island all there lives and couldn't imagine how it must feel to be new. Within the past 4 years I've been in the new girl at a school three times, and now that i came to college its just the same thing, not as extreme but basically the same thing

Its interesting because all this proves how different people are in different places. Where I'm from, i'm not weird at all i'm just like everyone else, (probably slightly more intelligent though, i guess you could compare long island teenagers to those idiots from that movie Clueless. Thats what they speak like, those accents).

Anyway, society needs to get a grip on what really defines normality. but it doesn't matter to me because i know who i am and i don't need to compare myself to other people in order to make myself feel important in this life. =)

I Changed a Bunch of Stuff on My Page

I think it’s because I’m a lot more comfortable with this whole blogging thing. Like, I don’t really care what I talk about anymore because no matter what, there has to be someone out there who will find me interesting right? Not just for this class but for like... life. I think I’m going to continue it after I get my super good grade in this class? =D (just kidding.)

I went to the doctor today and found out I have severe strep and a skin infection from like, I don’t know how on earth I could have gotten that. But that sucks huh? Ya, but it explains a lot about my human wellness and how it is non existent lately. My doctor told me if I waited any longer to come in then the bumps that caused all this under my skin would have had to be biopsied. (That probably would have been pretty cool. I know I'm super gross but I’m totally curious as to what that looks like).

My skin thing isn't contagious; it’s like, my body’s reaction to extreme stress. My doctor said that would be gone by Monday... but the strep is very contagious. I have to take mucho mucho antibiotics and I had to take off work (which is not a good thing, cause work is mad at me for not being able to work all week) and stay in bed all weekend till I’m not contagious anymore.

This is the third time I had strep throat this semester.

I think I’ll tell myself I’m going to use this time to catch up on homework, or read a book, or watch a highly intelligent movie that teaches me a lesson about normalcy or the environment. But I probably wont I’ll probably just be lazy and sleep. Or procrastinate on You Tube.

blah blah blah its 3:41AM

Its 3:41 in the morning & just the fact that the one thing I'm doing at this time instead of sleeping is writing on this horrible thing, proves that I'm really starting to get into this whole blogging thing.

Professor Farley thank you, blogging now consumes my mind 24/7...

whatever though, i don't sleep much anyway, i find it a lot more relaxing to work at night, but if this were three weeks ago i would be up cleaning and organizing like i usually do. not writing on my blog.

Oh yea, by the way.. i clean to relax. i clean everything. last night i cleaned my brothers room & it isn't even dirty because he doesn't live here anymore. i can also play endless amounts of games of solitaire too relax as well.

last week, during dinner, my extraordinary sleeping habits seemed to just "come up" in conversation. My mom briefly stated that these abnormalities worry her. When i asked my mom how she thinks i could begin changing my lifeshe didn't have an answer. that night she made me drink warm milk. (oh my gosh ew)

warm milk mom? really? ok, warm milk tastes like ..... like i don't know, pure horribleness. furthermore, since now Ive had time to think about how i could change myself I've realized that the reason a zillion games of solitaire or cleaning every night tends to relax me is because at any other time of the day I'm running around doing a million things at once - a big mess. its nice to just concentrate on one thing at a time you know?

and im not the kind of person who is able to sit still anyway. i hate getting my nails done cause i cant move and when i cant move i get itchy everywhere and cant scratch cause then i'll mess everything up, and my fingers have to look cute otherwise society wont accept me and other girls will judge me.. (just kidding i mess my nails up all the time cause of my anxiousness, the ladies always get mad cause then they have to fix it) =D.

to be honest, when i do sit for long periods of time i begin to shake my right leg up and down really super fast but unconsciously. during movies, writing papers.. i don't know, i look down and it happens.. i just cant be still.

Just in case you were wondering, my hamster cant sleep either. actually he never sleeps he's nocturnal thats why i chose a hamster, for the company at night. right now he's reorganizing his cage... it makes ruffling sounds. this doesn't help me in the least bit, but i forgive him because he is cute & small & not human. okay, thats it, um, night.

my HIGHLY illogical reasoning

Now I hope America doesn't get mad at me, but I'll be nineteen in almost four months, and I still haven't registered to vote.

I don't know, i tried to once, but then the website told me I needed a certain number from my license to continue? And to be quite honest, my wallet was all the way on the other side of the room. (This all seemed quite logical at the time).

I don't really know that it matters if I vote or not anyway because its not like I honestly make a difference. And lets just say my vote does count, and that the president I voted for wins, but turns out to be a horrible leader, then i would feel guilty. or even worse, I would be terrible judge of character and would second guess all of my judgments thereafter.

I'm not telling the world that voting is unnecessary, and i appreciate that i have the chance to do it. but along with the right to vote, aren't i given the right to not vote?

I understand that its important for the youth to get involved with voting in general, and my economics professor told me its stupid I'm not registered because this is the most important election of all time. but to be honest, even as I'm typing right now... my wallet is just too far away.

Maybe I'll go watch Breakfast at Tiffany's now, I think its a good night for that. =)

It Was Strange

The other night I was feeling a little stressed. As I was playing with my hamster on my bed and watching Breakfast at Tiffany's (my favorite movie of all time) I kind of, sort of, might have began to tear. It wasn’t anything extreme it’s just that there is a lot going on right now with me personally and I don't know, I guess it was a way for my body to react to the stress. It was only for like five minutes anyway, I'm not really the crying type.

Anyway when that happened, my hamster stopped running and jumping and sniffing and doing hamster things and crawled up from the palm of my hands, and lay closer to my face. Then he put his little head down on my neck and just looked at me.

This might sound weird or even crazy but I felt like he almost could sense something was wrong. But then when my little moment was over I picked him up and smiled at him and then he was fine again.

The whole ordeal kind of freaked me out a little bit. I mean, I can understand a dog doing that, or a cat (you know a more intelligent animal) but a hamster? I wouldn't dream of it. On top of it, I’ve only had Khai for about two or three months now.

Since then, Khai sleeps on the side of his cage closer to my bed, and is a little bit more friendly (not that he isn't friendly already, but now he's easier to handle and stuff).

I started wondering if there is a greater bond between humans and animals that we take for granted. Maybe certain animals are just so loyal to their owners that they learn how to sense moods. If that is the case and I’m not just dreaming all this up, I’m lucky to have an animal that loyal, or that intelligent.

It has to be PERFECT!

So i realized recently during casual discussion with my father that even though i'm easy going, im also a perfectionist which explains why it takes me so long to get things done.

for example, i go on this blog everyday and i have a million things i want to tell the world but i cant ever pick just one because it has to be prefect. even the fact that im not capitalizing or punctuating where i need to right now is bugging me to the extreme.

i also realize now why i cant stand having a boyfriend. because boyfriends aren't perfect. relationships arent perfect and therefore i get annoyed or bored with them and i end up pushing away lot of good people, but a lot of crappy, sleezy people too =D.

its not that im an uptight person, im actually a really flexible one, i guess just because ive moved a lot and been through a lot in the past few years it taught me to go with the flow. but when i do something, i realize that if it isnt perfect, i have to keep starting over. i cant finish something if it isnt done right.

(im also constantly changing my myspace and facebook profile because of this too.)

thats what happened during our in-class essay while the back table was screaming i couldnt concetrate enough to make my paper perfect and now im STILL working on it. gaaaaah!

More About My Playlist

So there is one song on my playlist that has a little bit of significance and because I need more stuff to write about on the blog i'll tell you a story.

the one song on the playlist is called ambitions of a man by a band named from the pawn. its this underground band on long island. and remember that really uncool kid whose actually super cool in real life that i was dating for a while from my last post? well he's in this story too.

k well hes this hardore, punk, idk what you call them, "scene," anarchist, long island guy i work with and when i was dating him he took me to a show. basically its a band playing really loud, but really good music into a mic in a 20 x 10 bar room that you dont need to be that loud for anyway.

Then, everyone gets really into the loudness and hatred of it all and they dance. but they dont really dance they basically stand in the middle of a big circle and swing their arms around and drop-kick eachother out of excitement... thats how the owner split beer on me. but he apologized so whatever he was cool.

i also saw a lot of really inappropriate things happen that night and then some kid got thrown out while me and alex (thats my coworkers name) were outside for a cigarette. that was also really cool.. and pretty funny too.

anyway i added that song because that was possibly the coolest thing I've ever seen. and i liked that song. i watched everyone go insane when it came on that night and it was all really interesting to watch. I want to go to another show but he was the only hardcore, punk, scene, anarchist, long island guy i know and I'm not dating him anymore.

actually now that i think about it, a lot of that music came from that kid. not surprising, we shared a similar taste in music but i never told him that.

this post makes me happy that i made this blog virtually impossible to find =)

LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAA

So i added music to my page because my page sucks compared to everyone else in the class. Reasons why my page sucks:
1. It doesnt even have a topic i can decide on, or title i can decide on for that matter.
2. Because my life sucks so there isn't much, or theres too much to write about. =o

The music I added says a lot about my personality and the things i like and the people i talk to and my life and stuff. Even though there is one song i forgot to put on. =( But that's okay I'll fix that later.

I'm also kind of sad because the whole player doesnt fit. But that doesnt matter much either because you can still see the name of the songs and skip around on it.

I used playlist.com to add the music. Its this really cool site that this really uncool kid I was dating for a while showed me. but he wasn't really uncool, he's actually very cool; he's just uncool right now.

Okay anyway, so I'm rambling on about unimportant people. but go on playlist.com. You can get virtually any song you want and listen to it right from the website. and if you sign up (which is free duh) you can build your own playlist like I did and post it on this or myspace or facebook or friendster or just sign on and listen to it.